she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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