the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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