Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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