He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
