the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
