Im at strip club and am horny
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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