i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
