I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Are we still banned from the library?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
