I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
