There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
