I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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