I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
