either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
