If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Life is so much better after having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize