if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
