I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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