i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am naked and annoyed.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
