Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We have started to decorate penises.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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