Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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