I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
