do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
