Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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