So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
