i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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