I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
