You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
and you said cock pushups were impossible
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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