she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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