then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
