the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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