I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
