my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
