She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
