I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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