I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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