It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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