he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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