You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
