you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
