I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
