she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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