I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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