Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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