Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've blown a few things in my day
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You took a bar mat shot.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
