Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
