so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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