alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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