Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she told me i tasted like america
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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