Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
