im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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