allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
