I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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