New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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