Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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