Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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