i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
