I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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