Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
